Dear M

Since childhood, we thought we would enjoy this phase of buildings our nests and have each other to bounce ideas. I see the Pinterest boards you were actively creating for your new home, and it makes my heart ache for the life you didn’t have. You understood the value of money and frugality better than I did. You were frugal, saved and splurged with intent on long lasting things. You were to get that French stove with brass accents when you got tenure at the university. We were to go to Paris together and buy a Kelly bag some day ! How optimistic we were. You are gone. I don’t have you and pursuing our idea of good life alone feels like cheating. How dare I have what you didn’t ? It’s quite lonely and not as much fun to do any of this without you. I would have liked your critique of the bad ideas that I really want to pursue. Only you could have talked me out of some things I got for the house and later realized was money wasted. We always thought that once we are out of grad school, money will come in plenty and we would easily be able to afford all the things we Pinned to our wish lists back then. That hasn’t been the case, has it? The standards of acceptable quality has risen. Lifestyle creep has happened. I currently want a stone water basin for my garden that costs more than our share of rent in grad school. I am staring at some black boots from Hermes on eBay that I need you to talk me out of. Everlane was once the acceptable quality bench mark and it no longer does it. Everything is much more expensive than the things we wanted in grad school and I don’t have a money wand to wave around. That is okay. I have more than I need. I shouldn’t be wanting or buying these many things. It’s bad for the soul. It will make me value every I have less and make me drift farther away from simple living ….. There are loans and mortgages to be paid. Family duties are expensive. There are human rights related causes to donate to. Climate work don’t pay as much as selling attention/gadgets/ads/stuff. There is retirement to fund with the hope that we will make up for all the years spent in academia on peanut wages. I will never buy that Kelly. That much money will never be insignificant enough to spend on a non-essential bag. I actually dont want luxury bags anymore. That desire for such toys, is long gone. Childhood has ended. You are my lesson in letting go and accepting an end when its time. What is a sensible buy and what is a waste of money ? I miss our conversations and your perspective. I tried to make many people fit the hole in my heart you left me with, but one can’t make a new old-friend. So I am back writing in a blog again. Here is my purchase plan for our house:

Original 2021 List* :

  • couch
  • lounge chair
  • bed frame for master bedroom.
  • a bookshelf.
  • Ambient lighting for living room.
  • Coffee Table
  • *buying it all at once is bad for the soul. A buying habit, aka consumerism is hard to shake off or shut down once the tendency takes root.

Moved from 2022 to 2021, for the unexpected guests**.

  • mattress and frame for guest bedroom.
  • Desk.
  • Blinds for living room.
  • **buying this much stuff gave me a whiplash. I now shut down and black out when I see house stuff. My body refuses to process it.

2022 ***:

  • 2 Chairs for dining table. ( purchased )
  • Lighting for our bedroom.
  • Under cabinet lighting for kitchen countertops.
  • Adirondacks for backyard.
  • Tv wall mount.
  • *** still in the recoil period. I want to put off buying house stuff until my husband forces me to or some guests arrive.

Moved from 2022 to 2023

  • Replace all the boob lights.
  • Backsplash for the kitchen.
  • Art for the walls.

2023 :

  • Matching hardware for doors
  • Electric switch plates.
  • Curtains for bedrooms.
  • Full length mirror ?

Conversations we would have had :

  • Spending money on good furniture is much more satisfying than when buying clothes. Its for something bigger than me. It’s for all of us to gather and live.
  • I dont know what my style is. Maybe Japandi and Arts&Crafts movement inspired ? I haven’t paid attention to houses. I know so little and had to force educate myself to get started.
  • Buying all the things on my 2021 list made me nauseous. I never bought that much stuff, in a span of few months, in my entire life. I never owned this much stuff. Disposing the packaging after the move traumatized the militant-zero-waste-person that I once was. It shut me down since. I want to put off doing anymore for as long as possibly. Is this common ?
  • House improvement, is a big project. I want make this place a tad better than when I found it. How do I do so without getting sucked into “tear it down and replace” mode ? How do I not slip into the cycle of desiring something all the time ? Because improvement is endless.
  • Should I be doing small projects every month ? Or do a bunch of them at once and rest for a year ? Which way is better for my mental health and the environment ? Should I treat it as upkeep and renewal ? Or as a renovation ?
  • How do I resist the “I need an end product NOW” mindset ? How do I resist “this is ugly. I need to get rid of it asap for a result. I want a pretty house NOW” mindset ?
  • Do folks ever get tired of their homes like I get tired of my old clothes ? Does that happen to a home ever ? If it does happen, I should save my improvements and spread them out far into a future timeline. That way, there is something “new” happening in an old house every year.
  • My garden will take 5 years to mature. I need deep time with a place to create it. Garden is one aspect where I wish I had a magic money wand and hired-help to do the landscaping. I am eager for an end product. But I will do all the digging by myself and call it a work out. Will I eventually grow a strong gardener’s body ?
  • White, walnut wood tone and some red/pink. That’s my desired color palette.
  • I think I need a house-in-progress that I can fix, not a house that is already well oiled. Do I have savior complex or is this an itch to create or a way to waste time ?
  • Native trees for the wild habitat I am trying to build, are on my wishlist and I am greedy. Small ones are 60$ and the larger ones are 170$. I want the bigger ones so that I needn’t wait 5 years for a 6-7 foot tree. I want the birds living with us, now ! I want to enjoy the trees, now ! Is this the right way to think ? From now on, I will only accept birthday presents if they are native trees.
  • For my imaginary conversations with you, we are sitting in the bay window of my childhood home that no longer exists, drinking whiskey and lounging. This sort of day dreaming comforts me. Writing this blog is comforting in the same sense.